ROACH TODAY

**New Delhi:** In a move that experts are calling either “revolutionary” or “a collective nationwide sugar rush,” the Government today announced plans to gradually replace petrol with ganne ka juice under a new policy aimed at making transportation more “emotionally sustainable.” Officials unveiled the decision during a press conference featuring a prototype scooter attached directly to a sugarcane crushing machine while banners behind them read “Sweetening India’s Future.” According to government sources, the new fuel system is expected to reduce dependency on imported oil while increasing domestic sugarcane demand, though scientists privately admitted they are still trying to understand how exactly the engine survives more than fifteen minutes without becoming sticky soup. One senior official claimed that modern vehicles would no longer rely solely on fuel but also “human ambition and positive thinking,” adding that India must embrace innovation instead of negativity. Early road tests reportedly produced mixed results after several bikes stalled near traffic signals due to bee swarms gathering around leaking fuel tanks, while one modified Royal Enfield allegedly began smelling like fresh ras after prolonged exposure to sunlight. Existing petrol pumps are expected to be transformed into “National Hydration and Mobility Centers” where attendants may soon ask customers whether they prefer regular cane juice or extra ginger before refueling. Public reaction online has been divided, with some citizens praising the move as a bold step toward renewable energy and others wondering if their scooters will now require refrigeration during summer. Several engineering students have already started calculating mileage in “kilometers per glucose spike,” while stock markets reacted nervously as sugar company shares surged throughout the afternoon. Sources within the ministry hinted this may only be the beginning, with future proposals allegedly exploring trains powered by collective prayer, airlines assisted by strong tailwinds, and government offices functioning entirely on solar power whenever someone remembers to clean the panels.